Just Me

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

It’s a sunny day in Nags Head, North Carolina – 86 degrees. I’m back at the three-level rental house after spending a blissful morning and early afternoon sitting on my little chair under my beach umbrella on the shore of the Atlantic Ocean. While there, I read, completed a Sudoku puzzle, wrote in my book journal, snacked, people-watched, and nodded off. The decompression had started.

I’m here two more days; an unexpected treat. My daughter and her friends are enjoying beach week at this house and wherever else they’re hanging out. While planning a few months ago, they discovered they needed an adult to rent the place and to be responsible for it. After a slew of emails was dispersed among all the potential responsible adults, the six girls agreed to give up one of the four bedrooms to a series of three moms, which was nicely secluded on the third level; hence, my little treat. I’m responsible adult #2. When I leave on Friday, responsible adult #3 will take over.

Anyway, the Decompression…

May and June… Will these months ever calm down?! After my youngest child graduates from college – maybe?  I won’t bore you with the list of things I have to do for my kids, other peoples’ kids (which is reciprocal), friends, my husband, and my parents, but will just say that it happens in abundance in May and June. And this year included two funerals.

Right… the Decompression…

I am so relaxed and content. The beach girls and I are on different schedules and don’t see much of each other, and that is perfectly fine. I’m sure they feel the same.

The Quiet…

I am relishing it. There is no one to take care of. At home, even when everyone’s gone, my sweet little epileptic dog is there: needing a pill five times a day, needing a potty break, needing a walk, needing the ball thrown to her. Here, at the moment, I’m sitting on the bed with my cup of tea on the night table, Ellen on the TV. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a complete show of hers; and actually, not seeing it now because I’m writing this blog post, reflecting on the quiet.

Ping!

It’s a text from my friend back at home.

“What’cha doin’?”

“Sitting on the bed, relaxing,” I text to her.

(Back and forth we text for a couple minutes; she asks, I answer.)

“Are you going to shop, nap, or see a movie?”

(She has suggestions for each activity.)

“Ohhh, I might go to the shopping center that’s close by. But you know I don’t like to shop, so it would be a short trip, just to see the area.”

Then she asks, “Does it feel strange to be alone?”

(I can tell that she doesn’t get it. Maybe you don’t either.)

“No,” I text back, as I laugh out loud.

(I feel that I need to explain my weirdness, so I send another text.)

“I can be such a recluse sometimes,” with a smiley face emoji.

(Actually, I’m not weird. I simply enjoy solitude.)

When I worked for corporate America twenty-one years ago and beyond, I joined my co-workers in taking personality tests and playing personality games. One game had us walking around to each other to write on paper that was attached to our backs; a word that we thought described the person’s personality type. Once the fun chaos was over, we pulled the paper from our backs to see what others in the group thought of us.

Initially interesting, eventually annoying, these tests were supposed to aid in improving our work environment, career development, and company productivity. I understood the intent; however, it always seemed to end with people sizing each other up. I learned to reject labels on myself; too confining.

But recently, a personality book caught my attention. It’s called, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I liked the inclusion of the words power and quiet in the title, along with introvert, a word that seems to have a negative connotation. These words together and the contents of the book, made me reconsider my ban on personality tests and literature. I doubt that I’ll ever take another personality test; however the book is multifaceted and enlightening.

I never thought introvert was a bad label, but I didn’t readily embrace it. This trip and things that I’m reading in this book, however, are telling me to own it! I’ve confirmed that introvert and shy are not necessarily synonymous. And I’ve realized that I don’t have to apologize for not missing my husband or children if they’re away or if I’m away. (This little trip might inspire me to pack my bags more often.)

I am an introvert… most of the time.

Epilogue:

In addition to beach time, I visited the sand dunes at Jockey's Ridge State Park. Ever since I saw a picture of blog friend Abby's trip to the Great Sand Dunes in Colorado, I've kept the fascinating image in my mind. Who knew that I'd have the experience in North Carolina! I also spent time at the Wright Brothers National Memorial, another nature-girl thing to do.

Sand Dunes at Jockey's Ridge State Park

Wright Brothers National Memorial

Care to share things about your personality or temperament? Do you spend time alone?

Phase I - Two Down, One to Go

Girl #1, Me, Girl # 2, Girl #3

Girl #2 graduated high school on June 17.

Life has been busy... again (click on "again")

I miss you all. Be back soon.

Beyond Celebritydom

Kelly and Michael. If you don’t recognize these paired names, then you are not a Celebritydom visitor.

One of my visits happen at 10 a.m. two or three times a week. I sit at my kitchen high chair, sideways to the counter, with my 15 inch TV in front of me as I eat my breakfast. I don’t usually stay for the entire show – unless the kitchen needs major cleaning - but I always make it through the host chat.

Like a lot of people, I bought the chemistry between the two of them; the “TV wife” that Michael referred to her as, and how he called her “my lady” while telling her to cover her coffee mug before they shook their confetti sticks.  When I heard that he’s leaving, I gasped with disappointed surprise. Why? His position, which was likely approved by Kelly, a job that catapulted him into the big league, beyond the “already successful” status that he was enjoying before Live… Why? Doesn’t he owe more than four years?

Does he? Or is it my selfish desire to be entertained while I eat my cereal and fruit, or on a ravenous day, my bacon, eggs, and toast? Yes… that’s what it is. My charming and personable breakfast companion is leaving me.

As the days passed and each gossip TV show added more to the debacle (the snubbing of Kelly from the powers that be), my thoughts and interest grew along with them; especially during the highly anticipated re-entry of Kelly to the show after a few steam-filled days off. She’d be back on Tuesday, everyone was saying… which just happened to be the morning of my mammogram.

Umph! I’ll have to record it!

Funny… I never did watch it; didn’t have to. Every time the TV was on, someone was showing a clip of Kelly’s angry, yet composed, speech. Between her and Prince, I sacrificed Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy to watch ET and Inside Edition.

Anyway… As I watched, I sensed a vulnerability in this woman who reportedly earns $15 or $20 million a year. And then it hit me… All that money, and her power is limited. She’s at the mercy of the men at the top of the pyramid; the men who took one of theirs – fellow male specie, Michael – and placed him in a position where they presume he’ll make more money for them. And I’m sure they paid him a boatload to do so.

So yes, this goes beyond celebritydom. This is business; real life. How did this happen to, I assume, the smart and savvy Kelly? I can’t help but see her in another light now – still confident and funny, however different. It may sound like I’m blaming the victim, but I’m not. Quite the opposite, actually. Someone else’s disrespect has cast a shadow on her; albeit, temporarily, I’m sure. But Kelly, like regular worker bees, has to watch her back from now on. And Michael – aside from the money – I understand why he’s moving on. He has an opportunity to move beyond his sports job and his play job to GMA, where his proximity to serious issues and a different kind of production will add another dimension to his career. Best wishes to both of them.

Always be prepared for your next act.

Body Shaming

It’s not what you think.  Well, maybe it is. I had my first overt experience with it a few days ago; this newly coined phrase that defines messages used to tell people that his or her body is not what it should look like. Based on my brief encounters with media explanations, i.e. Internet, TV, and tabloid magazines while standing in the grocery store line, the majority of the opinions express disgust with a person’s weight; what they feel is an abundance of it. But I’ve also heard body parts being honed in on, like height, breast and/or butt size, facial features, and hair. On rare occasions, I hear or read of a thin person getting a lashing. And it seems that the recipients are mostly women.

I love food. Currently, I’m having an affair with avocados and Tostito corn chips. It’s my overly snacked snack of the day, times 3. Another soul mate is buttery shortbread cookies. It’s the dessert of the day - a treat after lunch. I decide how many I’m having, eat them (2), and then return for more. Both of these pleasures surely don’t appeal to everyone, but I’ll bet you have something that you love experiencing on the taste buds of your tongue, too!

So I get it… the hardship of resisting something that makes us happy, if only for a few minutes, that may have unwanted consequences.

Those of you who know me are saying, “What are you talking about, Anita!” And those of you who don’t, are either sympathizing with me or formulating your opinion or feedback. So this is what happened:

My dog has a sore on her belly. I take her to the vet and like humans, the first thing done is the weigh-in. Little Layla steps onto the scale and the vet announces, “21 pounds.” (I always wonder if they translate the kilograms correctly, but that’s beside the point.) I say, “She’s plump,” to which the vet responds in an austere tone, “She’s plump-ER. She was 20 pounds the last time she was here.”

 

What can I say? I was hoping Layla would have been less weight or at least the same, but I know the vet is right.  I let the comment go. (Maybe I shouldn’t refer to her as Little Layla.)

After shaving around the wound, cleaning and lancing it, the vet decides to staple the quarter sized sore. Tool in hand, assistant standing by to help, she squeezes Layla’s skin, but it won’t come together enough for the narrow-width tool to clamp over it.

I'm thinking that she's putting on the demonstration purposely, knowing that it won't fit, just so she can (and does) say, “Her belly is too big to stretch the skin any more than it already is.”

Gotcha, you horrible dog abuser! How dare you overfeed her and put her in this shape.

No she didn’t say that, but in my mind, that’s what I hear, so I whine my explanation:

“Ever since she had to take prednisone, her appetite has been so big. She seems hungry all the time. She bangs on the pantry door and it drives us crazy! Do you think the meds she takes now make her hungry?”

That garners a little sympathy from the vet:

“With her neurological issues,” she says as she gestures the cuckoo sign near Layla’s head, “she might be begging as a habit, or she’s confused. Or possibly, she has thyroid issues. She’s going to need blood work soon.”

Tired after sitting in the waiting room over a half hour in a place that causes me mental anguish, my thought is, “Whatever.” I’ve been here so many times over the last fourteen months… but that’s another blog post.

Anyway, I gather up my sweet little porker, pay the 200 plus bucks, and proceed home to begin her treatment of antibiotics, ear drops (oh yeah, she has ear infections), ear flush, and pain pills (that she doesn’t need.)

Did the body shaming work? For right now, yes. We’ve started the diet for the tenth time. I’m measuring her food, substituting green beans for snacks, and trying to limit my trips to the kitchen which is Layla’s signal to ask (paw my ankles) for food. Wish us luck!

Thoughts? regarding people, animals, or both

Fill in the hole with more squiggly hairs and it is a replica of what Layla ate during one of her prednisone induced hunger attacks about a year ago. My friend and I took our dogs on their poopy walk and parts of this, color included, exited Layla's rear. After our initial Ewwww, we came to the conclusion that worms are not lime green.

image found here

The Mommy Wars... Dare I?

The inspiration for this post comes from 7:20 a.m. basketball shooting on my neighbor’s driveway. The dad and his three elementary school kids, two girls and a boy, dressed for work and school, shoot ball after ball in the great arrival of spring weather; waiting for the yellow bus to arrive as I walk by with Layla the dog. I think, “What a great way to start the day.”

My thoughts continue to flow, taking me back to my kids’ elementary school days which are not that much in the distant past. I was a stay-at-home mom, a title thrust upon me when my first child was born; a supposed upgrade from housewife and homemaker. I wore the label nonchalantly, as I was not so much into the semantics then; however, very much into what it meant to be a stay-at-home mom. I bought it; the whole package: the joy of taking care of my newborn and toddlers throughout the day - diapers, crying, bathing, playing, feeding (breast feeding really was a joy, for that was when I sat on the couch with my metaphorical bonbons and watched TV); in addition to sparse house cleaning, answering phone calls, bill paying, meal prep, etc. No, it wasn’t all joy, but I felt proud and triumphant, as well as blessed. I was doing this! I was given this opportunity to not have to work (cough, cough), as well as my kids not having to be bundled up and rushed out to another location. I wondered how the other moms did it.

At play group, the discussion would come up here and there with varying degrees of pompous attitudes.

                I just can’t leave my baby with someone else.

                We make it on one income; they can do it too if they give up the new cars

                and vacations.

                I feel sorry for them missing out on all the things that the babysitter gets to

                experience.

I need not go on. All mothers know the dialog, as well as the dialog on the other side of the coin where 9 to 5 mom wonders how stay-at-home mom can give up her career to stay home… things like that.

Before I continue – Is this still a topic? Hold on for a minute. I’m going over to Google to see.
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Yep, it is. However, it appears that the war now encompasses other parenting choices, too, like breast-feeding, the right/wrong age for pregnancy, the family bed, homeschooling, etc.; but back to how and where she works.

I can hardly scratch the surface of this topic and it is not my intention to do so; one reason being that I don’t believe that there is any objective right or wrong answer. Women around the globe have babies; across cultural, economic, racial, and religious boundaries. Are we all supposed to spend the exact amount of time with them? Feed them the same amount of breast milk? Supply them with the same amount of monetary privileges?

Impossible.

And yet, the women of the world have managed to produce and raise some pretty amazing people who have managed to keep this world going; women who are Amish, women who are doctors, evangelical Christians, teachers, and farmers; women who marry and have kids young or when older; single moms, factory workers, those pursuing degrees, world leaders or women married to world leaders - all different and raising their children as best they know how.

As a card carrying AARP member, I’ve progressed to a place of contentment when it comes to other people’s kids. Mine are not perfect and neither are theirs, but as long as they are loved, respected, and taught positive values, they’ll all have equal chances to have healthy minds and lives.

So when I see the kids happily playing basketball on the driveway with Dad in the morning and with the nanny in the afternoon, I figure, relatively speaking, all is well.

image found here

Taken for Granted

Coincidentally, each of my daughters and I have had a conversation this week about situations involving people being taken for granted which prompted me to give it further thought. Independent soul I am, I tend to notice when actions or feelings are not balanced between two individuals; not that everything has to be tit for tat, but it shouldn’t have the proportions of Person A giving 95% and Person B giving 5%.

I’ve avoided the obligatory, reciprocal acts by doing things on my own or by explaining to people in my life that there are certain things I rarely do – like having a big party at my home. Family and close friends are as much as I can handle, and even that’s because my husband does the planning, shopping, and cooking! I could never be in a supper club where, let’s say, five couples have a meal together once a month, rotating homes and cooking duties; sometimes, the host doing all the cooking and buying all the booze. Or the other kind of dinner club where mothers of young children trade nights to serve each other dinner, giving nights off from cooking. I knew a group of women who did this. On Monday, Mary would cook for Jane, Linda, and Marsha’s families; plus delivery. Then she’d have three nights of dinners delivered to her family from Jane on Tuesday, Linda on Wednesday, and Marsha on Thursday.

Not my thing, but I see the advantages of sharing. It’s a win-win for all involved when no one in the group is taking the others for granted.

So if people know that I don’t host big parties, I’m fine if I don’t get invited to theirs; or they can invite me if they’d like. (We usually show up with something in hand.)

The Conversations:

One of my daughters has noticed that her printer is being “borrowed” by her college housemates at a growing rate, resulting in increasing ink and paper expense. And let’s not forget wear and tear. Nice girls, they are: they ask, but they don’t offer – money, that is.

Girl #2 has noticed that having a car to drive means “chauffeuring.” Fortunately, her closest friends have access to family vehicles and they take turns at being the driver; however, she sees other situations at school where the balance is lacking. Some cases can’t be helped (they’re teens), but an offer of helping with gas is always an option.

Girl #3 isn’t behind the wheel yet and has to rely on parent chauffeurs – my husband and me or friends’ parents. I’ll admit it – when another parent drives, it’s a treat for me; however, I’ve had to explain to darling daughter that the carpooling has to be shared and that she needs to ask us so that we can figure out if it’s our turn or not. Don’t want to be known as the slacker parents who take the others for granted!

Bottom line: In all their conversations, the solution advised was good ol’ communication, as awkward as it can be. If I’m taking someone for granted, I want to hear it... Really. My feelings might get hurt, I may be embarrassed, or even annoyed, but if it’s true…  *sigh* I’ll do some something about it. And likewise, if someone’s using me, or you, knowingly or not, it needs some thought and maybe some action.

The conversations with my girls pertain to kid stuff, but adults have the same issues… right?

Thoughts?

Image credit is written on the image

The Letter

I suppose all of us have had a relationship with someone and lost touch. College roommates, co-workers, girlfriends/boyfriends, relatives, and friends - we are reminded of them at any given time. Looking at a book on a shelf can pop the conversation with Mary into your mind.  You’re driving past the restaurant at 5^th and Main when you remember the meal you shared with John. What’s Mary doing nowadays? And John?

Generally, I think of her or him as living a normal life, as I am. I don’t perceive any horrible situations because somehow the grapevine would have done its job and passed along the info; and sad but true, bad news travels faster than good news.

I don’t envision anything grand either. Most of us don’t change vastly from who we were ten or twenty years ago. Our trajectories seem predetermined. A dynamic go-getter as a young person is probably still that person, excelling with money and all its perks. Those who have long practiced their faith, I assume, still have peace with their beliefs and are encouraging others. The talented and creative should be deeply entrenched in their passions. The givers are still giving; the haters are still hating… Unless that horrible or sublime thing has happened, deeming someone not recognizable as the person of years past.

The majority - traveling through life on a general path - we’re progressing along at average pace, having our ups and downs, alternating between “one step forward and two back” and “two steps forward and one step back ;” hopefully more of the latter, as it is a pace that allows us to move in a long term positive direction.

Once these old acquaintances enter our minds, we delve into the reasons for our renewed curiosity. Maybe we liked them a lot and wonder why we didn’t stay in touch. We’re lonely and/or bored, perhaps; or simply, our lives have freed up and we have time to renew the relationship. One of my girlfriends is seeing a man who was at college with us after her long marriage that ended a couple years ago. How did they reconnect – facebook, through friends, phone call, text, email, a letter?

Ahhh… you say; a letter. We used to do that.

Letters: I’m told that you’re good at it or you’re not. I’m good at it. The eye-pleasing stationery and the pen that connects to it with ease, the quiet space needed for thinking, transferring my message to the paper… I like that.

Emails: Not the same. Quick thoughts, rapid movement of the fingers, SEND, BAM, it’s gone! Was the intent of the message accurately relayed?  After getting an email from a businessperson and discussing its content with my friend Denise, I told her that it didn’t answer my concerns, though all the concise wording was there. Denise reminded me that writing, especially an email, is not the best form of communication for some, including herself.

“I prefer to talk on the phone,” she said. And as I speak with her often on the phone, I get it. Her honesty and patience are palpable.

Me… I tend to eject every uncontrollable, incomplete thought or sentence from my mouth, possibly sending the wrong message; so…

I’m gearing up to write a letter to a friend from the past.  When we met, we were excited to have each other in our lives, chatting incessantly about the things we had in common and opining about life. We spent time together with our kids and introduced our spouses; it was the honeymoon phase.

And then the conversation and outings became less frequent. We began to see our differences, though nothing disturbed me about her. She was an inspiration – intelligent, organized, good at domesticity, etc. I envied her, which evoked a pinch of self-consciousness here and there.

In hindsight, I wonder why? Maybe it was… the  pending menopause. Ha! (Gotta blame it on something.)

That was nine years ago. Since then, I’ve seen her a couple times; both of us hurried with errands, but stopping to give the quick update, mostly on our kids, and then saying the pleasant good-bye.

Should I write the letter to her, asking what happened? It was a worthwhile friendship. I’m reminded of her occasionally and I’m curious about her life and family. Not seeking a gal-pal relationship; just a dissipation of the cloud of wondering.

Hmmm... What do you think?

Any old acquaintances that you're curious about?

image found here